Do Not Mess Around With a Married Man.

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But what if he’s going through a divorce?

Absolutely not. Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope. You need to wait until the household is divided, new leases are signed, cell phone bill is split, divorce papers signed, filed by the state, and gathering dust. That relationship needs to be dead and gone.

Why? Not for any of the reasons you might think… I’m not passing any moral judgements here, and my reasoning has nothing to do with “the sanctity of marriage“. I won’t diminish the higher level of commitment in a marriage or pretend that infidelity is not a big deal. It’s a big deal…and, love doesn’t always come in a perfect little package with a pretty little bow on top. We’ve been fed a whole lot of delusions by way of fairytales as children. The truth is, true love stories are often messy and complicated.

But I’m telling you that messing with a “nearly divorced” man… well, it simply won’t work and here’s why:

A) He’s still grieving the loss of his marriage. And if he’s complaining to you about her, that means he’s still thinking about her and isn’t over her. Plus, most men take full responsibility for a failed marriage. Why? Because that’s just how they operate. And no one likes to fail at something they’ve tried so hard to make work. Even if they have figured out that they’ve been trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

B) You’ll make him happy. Too happy even. What? How could that possibly be a bad thing? He’s suddenly got a little more confidence, and he’s emanating that sexy masculine energy that drives us wild. He’s suddenly more driven for success in his career and killing it at work. He’s working out more, eating healthy and he’s on top of the world. People notice him more, he’s getting compliments and advances from beautiful women left and right. He’s doing so well, that his soon to be ex-wife starts to notice this shift in him. She’s reminded of all the happy times they once shared and she starts to look at him differently. Maybe even with the same loving eyes as when they first started dating. That’s all he ever wanted anyway, to be appreciated, loved, and seen as the sexy beast he is. She’ll realize that she’s about to lose the best thing that’s ever happened to her and begs him to stay. She’ll promise to make the changes to try to make the square peg fit. Do you see what’s happening here? You will literally drive them back together. And maybe they are able to rekindle their marriage. Great- for them. And what about you? The one who has done the inner work, and has finally figured out how to truly love and honor a good man? The one who has been through heartbreak after heartbreak and knows now what she wants in a relationship, in a partner. The one who has been patiently waiting, and was ready to love again and was willing to open your heart fully and completely to him. What about you? When is it your turn for love?

Great- for them. Fanfuckingtastic.

I know you’re not a home wrecker, I know you thought it would be okay, he said he is done and they’re getting divorced. He was adamant about it. He confided in you all the things about her that he can’t stand, confirming to you that you’re so much more of what he wants and needs. He realizes now what he really wants and values in a woman. And you two seem so perfect for each other! You can’t seem to get enough of each other. But now she sees the old version of him, and he sees the old version of her that they both once adored. And because he’s such an honorable man, he’s gotta give it one more try. Of course he does. Of. Course.

And how is that going to leave you feeling? When he drops you like a bad habit? What can you say to his choice? Nothing. You can’t say a damn thing because that’s his choice, that’s their marriage. Everything you gave, your time, attention, empathy, and heart… wasted. You’ll end up hurt, feeling foolish, betrayed, and abandoned. And deep down, you knew that it was wrong and that you’d end up heartbroken again. Even if he does come back to you telling you that they couldn’t make it work. Let’s be real, you already knew they weren’t going to make it work…after everything he told you?! He probably knew it too! Ouch, that’s like adding salt to the wound because even with little hope, he was still willing to lose you. You might even feel empathy for him when he comes back because you still care for him and hate that he’s hurting. But then you remember how quick he was to forget about you and let you go, even if it was because he needed to do “the right thing”. How can he recover from that? He made it clear where you stand in terms of his values.

It’s a lose lose situation. Everyone ends up hurt in the end. He’s likely to see the missed opportunity and realize what he’s lost, but probably not until it’s too late.

And that’s the trouble with people, they usually don’t appreciate what they have until it’s gone.

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