Calling all the single ladies!
More than likely, if you’re reading this, you’re probably stuck in a cycle of doing too much. Do you tend to overanalyze everything, and feel confused about relationships and dating? Well I’m glad you found this article, and I want to congratulate you on taking the first step towards a clearer understanding of men, and relationships.
Do you feel like you’re ready for a relationship but you can’t seem to keep the good ones interested? You have no trouble getting their attention in the beginning but then it fizzles out as fast as it started? Why!!!??? You may think to yourself, I’m an amazing catch! Why do they seem to lose interest? I’m smart, I’m pretty, I take care of myself, I’m accomplished in my career, I have my sh*t together. I’m so tired of getting ghosted!
So what’s wrong?
The first problem is wanting a relationship. Yes you read that right. There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting a relationship, but wanting to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship is not a good reason to want a relationship. Loneliness is not a good reason. Relationships can actually be somewhat burdensome (tell me I’m wrong), and you should only be concerning yourself with the idea of getting into a relationship when:
A) You’ve met someone who is as genuinely interested in you as you are in them. (And is also interested in the possibility of getting into a relationship).
B) There aren’t any red flags.
C) When you’ve genuinely learned how to love yourself unconditionally. (You’re not lonely.)
Here are some common mistakes we tend to make and should take a look at when it comes to dating and relationships.
Are you too much of a good girl?
You know what I mean? You always do the right thing. You don’t curse, you follow all the rules. You fit the mold of what society tells us what we should be/do/look like. You’re mild mannered and you sing in the church choir every Sunday. You dress conservatively, and keep it simple. You believe that if you don’t have anything nice to say, then you shouldn’t say anything at all. You volunteer at a local animal shelter and the nearest nursing home for the elderly, and had a perfect 4.0 in school. Your hair and makeup are always perfect. Your house is always clean and tidy. You drink kale smoothies and have an active gym membership that you actually use three or more times a week. You don’t drink or smoke. You pass up that second slice of cake, or worse, you pass on the first slice of cake too because you’ve already met your allotted calorie intake today. Sound familiar?
Well perfection, is not only impossible but…
Perfection is boring AF
Most men aren’t interested in a perfect woman. And they’re not interested in a woman whose motivation in life is to attract a man. Don’t believe me? Go out with your girls, don’t get too dressed up, and enjoy yourself and trust me… you’ll be noticed. You’re most beautiful when you’re genuinely enjoying life, doing your own thing. When you’re not overly concerned with your appearance, sitting up straight with perfect posture (although you should have good posture) you’ll be noticed more. Loosen up a little! Wear a t-shirt and jeans that you’re comfortable in. Put your hair up in a less than perfectly tidy ponytail and a cute pair of earrings. Make sure you smell nice and put on a little mascara and lipgloss. It’s okay to order that cheese burger and fries, and have the cake too! When you start to feel more comfortable, truly begin to enjoy life, and relax into your own skin, your beauty will radiate.
Are you trying too hard?
You’re probably overthinking it. If you are trying to think of ways to keep him interested, you’re doing too much work. Seriously.
I can hear it now… but relationships take work. You have to put in effort. Yes! When you’re in a relationship! Not when you’re just starting out. Women who tend to attract men the most, tend to be rather aloof, but not careless… more like passionately detached. It should be equal give and take. And if you’re giving more (which you shouldn’t be) doesn’t mean you should expect more in return. If you feel like you’re giving more than he is, dial it back. There’s no need to feel bitter if you’re not receiving as much in return. If you’re giving, you should have no expectations that they need to respond in kind.
You’re too focused on marriage.
What?? Isn’t that the whole purpose of dating?? No. You’ve got to change your views on marriage and dating. Do not approach dating with a goal oriented mindset. This is why men get freaked out! This works both ways and of course is not exclusive to heterosexual relationships. But for the sake of keeping it simple… please apply pronouns that best fit your situation.
Marriage is hard, and not for everyone. With divorce rates higher than ever, we need to take a look at what our expectations are around marriage. I’ll delve deeper On this topic in another article…
Women that men find most attractive, aren’t making finding a husband a priority. They are grounded in their priorities, and having fun living their best lives.
And I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t want marriage, or hide the fact that you are interested in getting married. In fact, you probably should have that conversation early on just to clear the air. Because if he’s totally not interested in marriage and wants an open relationship, well that would be a good thing to know sooner rather than later. But really you should be taking your time deciding if this is a person that you could potentially marry because only time will tell you what you need to know about them. Marriage is not a race, and you cannot approach marriage as you would approach getting your degree. There are no timeframes like, “If he hasn’t proposed by our third year anniversary…” Getting married is not an accomplishment, and should not be on your list of goals. It’s not something that you put a tick mark next to once the mission is complete. It doesn’t affect your social status as much as you think, and if you’re not secure in yourself, being married won’t fix that.
Marriage is another stage in life, and it comes with a lot of responsibility. Slow down, enjoy the process and just enjoy life.
You’re taking too many selfies.
The occasional selfie when you’re all done up and feeling beautiful is totally fine, but instead try to snap a selfie when you’re doing something fun. Because that’s the real you. You’re likely to be radiant if you’re simply enjoying life. Plus, you will never be able to keep anyone’s interest unless you’re doing the things that excite you.
And really, is the perfect selfie ever really worth all that effort? 30 minutes getting the perfect curl in your hair that looks like you tried, but not too hard, 30 minutes achieving the perfect dewey glow and perfecting your highlights and contours, 10 minutes playing with angles and lighting making sure to capture your best assets while trying to emphasize the perfect balance of sexy and classy… only for him to see your photo for 1 second and put his phone back into his pocket. Maybe he double clicks it first.
And if you’re going to try to attract a man by posting sexy pictures of yourself on social media in a provocative pose, or wearing little to nothing, you’re guaranteed to get a lot of attention. But if you’re seeking a deeper connection with someone, this is not the attention you seek. No, I’m not body shaming either. If you feel good and love the way your body looks, that’s awesome! You absolutely should love your body and feel confident in your skin no matter what you look like. And it’s your choice with how you want to present yourself to the world. Maybe you’re expressing yourself artistically, telling a story, or maybe interested in modeling, that’s cool too. Maybe you’re trying to become an Instagram influencer, well…sex sells. Again, you get to choose how you present yourself to the world. Just remember, if you show all to the world, you’re removing part of that excitement of letting him “discover” you and all the beauty and sensuality you have to offer.
If you’ve found someone who meets the three criteria I mentioned above, then here are some things you can do to keep his attention.
Take more selfies, and make them good.
You’re probably scratching your head at this one. Didn’t she just say…?
There’s a balance between too much and too little. Have you ever noticed how some women take tons of selfies and seem to be so photogenic? Well, you can watch YouTube videos that can teach you all the tricks to taking good photos. Makeup, lighting, angles, filters… it’s all good to know, but it’s not everything.
Learn how to take good pics of yourself, and learn how to pose. Men are visual creatures after all.
But… try to take a casual selfie while enjoying life, don’t make such a production of it.
Be interesting. I know, what a revolutionary idea!
You need to have your own interests, hobbies and passions. If you want to connect deeper with someone, you have to know who you are first. You don’t have to share the same passions for Anime, WWII history, or understanding tannins in coffee but its important to explore your own passions in life. Because as long as you have no hobbies or interests outside of your eyeshadow and hair, he will think you’re superficial. Make sense? Find your depth, and show your depth. Be interesting…
Send a flirty text or video… even better do it at a slightly inappropriate time.
Proceed with caution however, because this should only be reserved for someone who has proven to be trustworthy. Sometimes this can backfire in a bad way, so just trust your intuition and don’t do it if it feels like a bad idea. And make sure he’s worth your time and efforts.
Inappropriate timing can really get him going if you know what I mean… I actually did this recently by accident. He was just about to walk into an important business meeting and I sent him a short video with a little bit of skin showing. I wasn’t nude, it was just a playful, short post workout clip in my sports bra and underwear. I had no idea he was about to walk into a business meeting, but based on his response, I imagine he was slightly distracted in a good way. And I’m also guessing he walked into that meeting with a bit more swagger having just had a little boost in testosterone.
See, men tend to get stuck in routines, work, eat, sleep, repeat. So shaking up his routine a little might spark a few feelings for him. You need to be careful not to distract him too much though, especially if he’s a career driven man. And obviously the primary focus should not be on keeping him sexually entertained because ladies let’s be real… If he wants that sort of entertainment, he can get that anywhere anytime.
In this Information Age, there is no limit to instant and easy access to sexual gratification either on a screen or even in real life. I’m sure by now you’ve heard of Pornhub and Tinder. So if you’re looking for something deeper, you’re not going to keep his attention with sex. And don’t fall into the, “send nudes,” trap. If he’s genuinely interested in you as a person, he’ll never ask. You are so much more than what lies on the surface. Don’t share yourself with someone who doesn’t recognize that.
You have got to be willing to let him see the real you. There’s a lot of pressure on women these days to have a certain look, to act a certain way, or to be willing to do the things that, “other girls do”. No, this needs to stop. You are not other girls. You are not in competition with other girls. You have to know yourself first and foremost. You need to have confidence in your uniqueness. Know your self worth and what you have to offer. So you don’t have the big round booty and tiny waist? So what? You are beautiful as you are, and that old clichéd phrase, “Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder,” is still incredibly relevant. So you don’t know how to flirt and flip your hair like all the other girls do? Don’t. If it’s not authentic to you, don’t do it. You should never have to change yourself for anyone. Flirting is essential to keep things fun, but there are a thousand different ways to flirt. Find out what you’re comfortable doing and do those things! And with regard to doing the things, “other girls do,” don’t do that either. Don’t ever feel pressured to do anything that you’re not comfortable doing. You’ll know when you feel comfortable to explore your sexuality with someone who deserves to see and experience that level of vulnerability with you. Peer pressure is not okay or acceptable and you should never be pressured to do things to please anyone. And don’t ever let anyone push your boundaries. This is the number one red flag you need to watch for.
Don’t talk too much.
I’m sitting in a coffee shop as I write this, and I can’t help but overhear a couple who are very clearly on a first date. And the girl is talking sooooo much. Ladies, I know when we’re feeling good and comfortable, we can talk. Sometimes it’s nervous chatter. I’m seriously generalizing, but tell me I’m wrong.
I know you want him to get to know you, but you’ve got to chill. Seriously. No, not Netflix and chill. Just relax. It’s okay for there to be silence. It’s okay to create some space for nothingness. Ask him questions. Let him engage. Don’t you want to know what inspires him? What his interests are? You don’t want to waste your precious time and effort on someone you have nothing in common with other than finding each other attractive. Get to know him!
And don’t expect him to talk so much.
There’s a level of excitement that we can fall into if we’re not careful. There’s plenty of time. Really. Plenty of time. There is no need to rush getting to know each other. You don’t need to tell each other’s life stories on the first date. Or the second, or the third… Do not fool yourself into thinking that you should have shared x amount of information with each other by y date. There is nothing mathematical about getting to know someone. There are no hard and fast rules. So chill. Stop analyzing, stop overthinking, stop comparing your dating experience to your friends’ or what you think it “should” look like. Let go of expectations. We don’t put timelines on how we make friends, so why would you put arbitrary timelines and expectations on men. If you feel like they’re not texting enough, then you need to examine your expectations and wonder what that’s all about. Do you need to hear from your friends all day every day in order for them to “prove” their interest in being your friend?
Don’t get lost in the clouds.
I think if you can approach dating as you would if you were trying to make a friend is the best advice I can offer. In fact, if this is the only piece that you take away, this should be it. Be as selective when dating as you are in selecting friends. Even more selective actually. But give him a break! Don’t put your expectations on him that he must prove his level of interest. Either he is or he isn’t. And don’t get overly excited about outward appearance, or status. These things don’t really matter all that much in the long run. Get to know him as a person. Find out where his values lie. This takes time. And again, there is plenty of time. You need to release yourself from the idea that you need to be married and having children by a certain age. Your only relationship goal should be focused on finding the right person.
Plus it takes time to get to know someone. Most people (notice I didn’t pin this one only on men), can hold up a facade for a few months. We’re all guilty of meeting someone we really like and getting too excited, only to later realize they’re not who we thought they were. If you’re getting excited about someone who you don’t really know, you’re probably excited about your own fantasy of who you want them to be. And you’ve likely both been putting your best foot forward. This is NOT connecting. This is NOT authentic. You can feel when someone doesn’t really know you but is imagining a version of you in their head. It doesn’t feel good. Guys can feel that too. So don’t get lost in lala land. And stop watching dreamy love stories. I’m not suggesting that you have to give up on romance, but stop expecting your love story to resemble, “The Notebook“, or whatever love story strikes you.
One way to prevent getting lost in the clouds is by not getting sexual too soon. I know, ugh boring. But seriously though. There is science to back this up. Now I’m not saying that you need to wait until marriage, unless that’s your thing. But what I am saying is once you go there, you’re literally altering your brain chemistry. You will fog your brain, and will not be capable of seeing things clearly for a while. This is the stage where people commonly believe that they have fallen in love. When in reality they have fallen in lust. This is the honeymoon stage. Now this is a beautiful stage in every relationship, but wait until you know each other and you’ve decided that there’s real solid relationship potential. Unless casual sex is your thing, no judgement, but then what are you doing reading this?
Understand where your values lie, and know who you’re looking for.
You have to get really solid first in knowing who you are and who you’re looking for. Trying to fit a square peg in a round hole never works. Don’t date someone who watches football like it’s his religion and he’s a devout priest if you don’t want a guy who is a football fanatic. Don’t be too picky about liking all the same things, but at the same time if you literally can’t stand football, or just don’t really see the point then do you see how this could become an issue later? Imagine ten years down the road when you’re standing there arguing how important it is for him to come to your child’s recital, but his team is playing. This is not about football anymore, but about where your values lie. – This is important.
Show affection, and compliment him when you see something worthy of a compliment. Guys don’t regularly receive compliments like we do. And they certainly don’t compliment each other like we do. If he’s killing it at work, tell him how proud you are of him! Don’t look for things to compliment him on though, this is not a strategic move. If you think of this as a flattery strategy, it will not seem genuine and will likely feel contrived. Don’t do anything that isn’t authentic. But if you have a thought, or notice something he did that was cool or awesome, say so!
Thank him for doing that sweet/cool thing like surprising you with your favorite Starbucks drink. Double/triple points if your drink is something complicated like a double tall, almond milk, with one pump of chai, half a Splenda packet, and a sprinkle of cinnamon on top, latte. Give appreciation where appreciation is due, and let him know that you think he’s special to you. If you don’t tell him how amazing you think he is, he won’t know that you think he’s amazing. Duh.
This is an area where you do not want to be aloof. If you’re withholding gratitude and praise for sweet things he does for you, you’re not being cool and aloof. You’re being ungrateful and entitled. Thank him! And don’t ever expect him to do anything sweet like this as if there are, “expected boyfriend duties.” Which leads into the next topic…
Be a source of comfort and support. Be his friend. Don’t place demands on him that he needs to uphold to keep you. That meme of Marilyn Monroe where she’s quoted saying, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.” – I can’t stand this phrase. You’re not a prize to be won ladies. The sooner you get this concept and understand that he needs kindness, love and support just as much as you do, the sooner you’ll find yourself in a loving committed partnership. I repeat: You are not the prize. Two people who support and respect each other is the prize. Stop playing games and having the mindset, “Well he better work for this.” Yeah, he does need to work for it, but so do you. It’s equal give and take. This is why everyone says, be friends first. Because there’s no amount of sexual attraction, games or emotional manipulation that can keep someone interested for very long. And why on earth would you want to be a source of stress, extra work, or a burden for him. If you really care about someone, you don’t want to add to their stress.
Men need emotional support just like women do. The sooner we let go of this idea that men are stoic unemotional beings, who need to always be strong, and work hard to keep us, the sooner we will collectively be more comfortable in our authentic selves and the sooner we can be done playing games with each other.
Give him sex. But not just sex, give him good sex.
When you’ve found a keeper, you feel safe with him, deeply connected, and when you feel personally ready, give it to him! Men need sex to feel connected to you. And ladies, come on, you know you love it too. There is nothing to be ashamed of regarding sexual desire despite what our parents, religion, and culture may have tried to teach us. Two people sharing their bodies with one another is an incredibly intimate and powerful experience and is essential to maintaining a healthy relationship.
And it’s not just about sex, but intimacy. He needs to feel close to you, desired, and appreciated. Most men feel intimate through physical touch. We need emotional intimacy, they need sex. But it’s not that simple. Don’t think he’ll feel satisfied or appreciated with a quickie that you’re not really into. He knows when you’re not into it and it doesn’t feel good emotionally. Besides he can probably do a better job of getting off by himself (or worse, with someone else), and likely will eventually if he doesn’t feel appreciated, desired, or cherished by you.
Of course you want him to treat your body like it’s the most amazing thing he’s ever seen and felt, but don’t you think he wants the same? Again, you are not the prize. Your body is not the prize. He needs to be desired and touched, with just as much excitement and enthusiasm as you want. Seriously, you need to show him that you adore him, and more specifically his… ahem. You should feel so much appreciation and desire for it, as if it’s the most magnificent thing you’ve ever seen, like you’re looking at a unicorn. This is something you can’t fake. If you’re not feeling it, then you probably shouldn’t be getting intimate. If you are not panting heavy at the thought of getting him naked, then what are you doing with him? And guys if you’re reading this… don’t worry, you don’t need a gigantic or perfect… ahem, or 6 pack abs to be sexy to us. Yes, we want you to take care of yourself, have good hygiene (something like this manscaping kit could do the trick), and be healthy. But there’s a wide range of what women find sexy. You don’t have to look like Jason Momoa. Just like guys vary in their preferences, skinny girls, fat butt, big boobs, small boobs, short, tall etc… Our ideas of sexy varies too. In fact, a lot of women love and appreciate the dad bod. So guys, just take care of yourselves and there will be plenty of women who will find you attractive. We just don’t show it as outwardly as you do. Besides, we’re more concerned with your mind and how you treat us for the most part anyway. Being an honorable and respectable man who treats us with respect, and sees our value, gets most of the women I know…rather excited.
Back to the ladies, you should never withhold sex as a form of punishment. It doesn’t work like that. Again, you are not the prize. Your body is not a prize. He can get sex pretty much anywhere, anytime, which is probably what he’ll do if you try to manipulate him in this way. And honestly, if you’re ever feeling like you’re in a position to “punish,” well you’re either in a relationship with a man child, or you’re mothering. Either way, this an unhealthy relationship dynamic and likely there are some power/control issues that need to be addressed.
I do want to acknowledge that sex isn’t always that simple in relationships. If you’ve got sexual trauma to work through (and I know a lot of us do), you’ve got to work through it. That’s not your partners’ burden to bear. A keeper will be patient and supportive, but you’ve got to address it. It’s scary, I know. But it’s your responsibility to heal your emotional wounds so that you can show up as your best self. You should never expect a relationship to be healthy without physical intimacy. Is it possible? Sure, of course. But it’s not ideal. So work through your issues. There’s no shame in seeking help in healing trauma.
And while I’m addressing issues that can affect your sex life, I want to talk about body image issues. This is another common thing that can negatively affect your sex life. There are a number of ways you can build confidence in your body image and this is something that I can address with you in my one on one mentoring sessions. Scroll down to book your free consultation.
Don’t panic if you haven’t heard from him in a while.
Seriously, stop it. If you’re busy living your own life (which you should be doing), you’re less likely to notice anyway. And seriously that’s probably what he’s doing. He’s more than likely focused on killing it at work, working out, hanging out with his friends, or has something on his mind that he’s sorting out that likely has nothing to do with you. Or maybe it has everything to do with you. That doesn’t mean he isn’t thinking about you. You don’t text him every time you think about him, so don’t expect him to. Don’t obsess over his every action/inaction. If he’s busy, he’s not going to appreciate your nagging asking why he didn’t text. When he starts to feel like you’re another obligation, you’ll stop being fun. Would you ever ask a friend why she didn’t text? And if he’s asking for space, you should respect his request and let him come back around when he’s ready.
If you find yourself getting anxious because you haven’t heard from him, this is the perfect opportunity to get introspective and think about why you’re feeling this way. Are you worried he may be slipping away? Well if he does, he wasn’t meant to stay and that’s not a reflection of your value. You do not want someone that you have to work hard to keep interested. People choose each other, and you don’t want someone who doesn’t consistently choose you. Don’t let fear, anxiety, or fear of abandonment affect your love life. You’ve got to move out of your shadow. You are loveable, and you deserve love regardless if he can’t see your worth.
You do not want someone that you have to work hard to keep interested.
And if some time has passed and you’re concerned, message him or call him! Ask if everything is okay. Communicate. Maybe something has happened. Maybe he met someone else. Maybe his grandmother passed away. Maybe he’s not sure he’s into you anymore. Or maybe he’s realized how amazing you are and he’s worried that he can’t give you the love and attention you deserve (yes, this is a thing), but that’s not your problem to grapple with. Many men begin to worry and sit in shame that they might not be a good enough man for you when they realize that they have feelings for you. This is particularly true if he’s had failed relationships in the past. See, men tend to take the responsibility for a failed relationship, even though both people are to blame. He’ll likely never express that to you, and he’ll have to work on his confidence, on his own. You’d think that they would trust that if we are choosing them, that they must be amazing. But guys tend to suffer from imposter syndrome in all areas of life. He has to work on his emotional capacity for a relationship on his own. Because again, that’s not your issue, we can’t fix one another. They don’t want or need us to fix them anyway. If he’s meant to be with you and he wants you to be a part of his life, he’ll do the work and become the man that you need him to be. -This is all the work that he needs to do in a relationship! Men are you listening? This is how you need to work to keep us. By showing up as someone who’s doing/done the inner work, and willing to grow with us, because otherwise you won’t be able to show up for us in the way we need you to.
Or maybe he’s realized how amazing you are and he’s worried that he can’t give you the love and attention you deserve (yes, this is a thing), but that’s not your problem to grapple with.
If you do make contact, don’t accuse him of anything and don’t try to force him to talk if he doesn’t want to. Just remain open to talk when and if he’s ready, and move on with your life. I don’t mean go find someone else right away. Just focus on your work/school/hobbies/self love… whatever. Give him some time. And If you don’t hear from him, don’t ruminate or worry. I get it, getting ghosted sucks, but only if you let it. Focus on your own happiness because if he’s meant to come back to you, he will. If not, no worries love. Just focus on the happy memories that you shared in appreciation for what it was, and continue living your full and happy life. We have no control over other people’s feelings and emotions. There’s nothing you can say or do to get him back. And he needs to know that your happiness does not rely upon him. Either he chooses you, or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t, you’ll eventually meet someone who will appreciate everything you have to offer and will rise up to meet you where you are. But in the meantime, you just focus on self love, be kind to yourself, and keep letting your light shine. Chin up.
Lastly, stop trying to be the woman that you think men want.
Ultimately, you just need to be yourself. And treat him with the kindness and respect he deserves, keyword, deserves. If he’s not worth it though, then why are you wasting your time? You need to be brutal in the process of selection. Do not accept bad behavior, do not allow anyone to push your boundaries and don’t waste your time on anyone who will waste yours with childishness.
Seriously, all you need to do is be yourself. Stop trying to be what you think men want. You don’t need to do anything to keep a real one interested. Be comfortable in your own skin, be confident in who you are, enjoy life, and be authentic. When you have truly become the person that you’re supposed to be, men will flock to you, and you’ll eventually find someone worthwhile.